Today I heard the most wonderful news, my prayers had been answered and I though that rest of my day would feel like I was sitting in chair made of clouds that was surrounded by kittens to nibble at my feet. That’s right, that Zelda from Terrahawks faced, sycophantic silly bitch that has tortured my weekday mornings, Jo Whiley has been removed from her morning slot on Radio 1. No longer will I have to listen to her get so far up some band’s arse she needs a snorkel, go on and on about how amazing some new tune is and then slag them all off when it’s no longer cool. That’s right fuck off grandma; let someone actually new, exciting and funny be on the BBC’s groovy and happening radio station that the kids all like.

So Auntie who’s the replacement? Some one that represents Britain’s young in the modern digital age? Someone that is down with it, but also eloquent and witty? No. It’s Fearne fucking Cotton. I hate to use this phrase, but talk about from frying pan into the fire. I had the misfortune to have to listen to her all the way home in the car while travelling home from North of England on Sunday. During this journey I was very seriously contemplated asking Miss Rant to rip my ears off and stuff them up my arse so that I would no longer have to her inane drivel. I know that you might suggest that I changed the channel, but that would have meant local radio, and there’s only so many times you can hear someone bleat on about the wheelie bin problem.

Anyhoo, in mild celebration of the Whiley’s demise, here is Lily Allen giving Jo what for in the only way she knows how. I liked Lily before I saw this, and now I love her so much I would happily crawl through a barrel full broken glass just pick the peanuts out of her shit.

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Yes it does, doesn’t it, but do I have chickpeas, cucumber, chili and pine nuts to make it? Do I fuck. No, all those ingredients are back at the supermarket where I could have bought them not half an hour ago. I have lost count the number of times I have walked into Waitrose of an evening not knowing what I wanted for dinner, but knowing that I wanted to cook something. Surely if you had these serving suggestions on the outside of meat packaging I would be urged to spend more money on expensive and high margin ingredients that you want to shift and I want to eat. See, everyone’s a winner with that strategy, so why don’t you fucking implement it? This post has been sent to Waitrose customer services. I will keep you posted on their response.

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Some people should not, under any circumstances, be allowed anywhere near the internet. I yet to come up with the definitive list of who these people are, but those of us that have been working the interweb for a period of time remember the days of trying to watch the Phantom Menace trailer on dial-up, the frustration of the time it took to look at pictures of er, specialist websites, and remember the emails that we first got touting urban myths or scams that we had been hearing round the playground/workplace/pub for years. But this was in nineteen-fucking-ninety-eight! And now the blessed internet has also managed to largely debunk such bollocks and those of us living in the 21st Century commonly know most of them to be bullshit.

Unfortunately there is still the uninitiated out there for people wishing separate people from their cash and their common sense. Do people seriously still believe it happens that people wake up in a bath of ice and your kidneys have been removed, that some bloke from Nigeria has got billions of dollars that he wishes to rest in your account, or that you have won a lottery that you never entered? Well obviously they do and can you please stop sending emails to my Mum, or I will be forced to ask Yahoo to disable her account. Ta.

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